Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Top five people who look like frogs

A really epic frog. Often imitated, never matched.

Robert Morley

A frog, sure. A British bullfrog to be precise, but in the most respectable way. If we were going to look like we'd tried to swallow a tennis ball but changed our mind halfway through, this is how we would do it. Mr Morley – not to be confused with Mr Marley, who was a noted reggae singer – made an acting career playing the definitive pompous Englishman. Also a noted wit with an anecdote about sitting on someone's Yorkshire terrier.

Griselda Blanco

This is a woman, believe it or not. To be fair, she has looked better, and did not always resemble a grumpy tree frog with vitiligo. She was also perhaps the greatest cocaine-smuggling mob boss in the illustrious history of Colombian cocaine smuggling. Griselda Blanco was drug lord of the Medellin cocaine cartel for several decades, starting in the Seventies. At its height, her organisation earned $8 million a month smuggling powder to the States and rubbing out anyone who crossed them. She's reputed to have ordered 200 murders. Spent 20 years in US jail, during which time she merrily continued running her international drug business from her cell. Ms Blanco committed her first kidnapping at age 11, then pretty much committed every crime in the crime book before fittingly being assassinated in Medellin by two hitmen on a motorbikes just the other day.

Keith Richards

Keith Richards plays guitar for the Rolling Stones. It says here on Wiki, "the skin of a frog is glandular, with secretions ranging from distasteful to toxic." After half a century of drug consumption it's a fair bet that the secretions of Keith Richards's skin are way beyond distasteful and probably beyond toxic too. So a fair case can be made for Keith Richards actually being a frog. He certainly looks like one. Well, the scrotum of a large, non-amphibious frog that someone set fire to.

Kim Dotcom

This bra is a hacker, businessman and internet entrepreneur currently awaiting trial in New Zealand on nebulous charges of copyright violation no doubt engineered by the United States. The charges stem from the success of his company MegaUpload, a content upload and sharing site which at one stage was the 13th most popular website on earth and responsible for 4% of global web traffic, which is lank. He is being charged with responsibility for the copyright infringement of all 800 people per second who shared content they do not have rights for on the site. How this differs from what YouTube does, we don't know. To his credit, Kim Dotcom, nee Schmitz, has also been ranked the number one player of Modern Warfare 3 on Earth, out of 15 million online players. He won the 2001 Gumball rally in a Mercedes Brabus SV12 Megacar. He is a large-boned man with healthy appetites, and on a day when he's let himself go a bit, he is not unlike a European fire-bellied toad that needs a tan.

Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber

From when he was a young tadpole, Sir Andrew was destined for greatness, composing his first musical suite at age nine. Since then he has become probably the most successful composer and impresario of all time. He has produced – deep breath here – Joseph And The Amazing Technolor Dreamcoat, Evita, Cats, Jesus Christ Superstar, Phantom Of The Opera, Starlight Express and Sunset Boulevard. He has won seven Tony Awards, three Grammys, an Oscar, a knighthood and some other ones. He is the 87th richest man in Britain, a fairly rich place. Also reminds one a little bit of Lawrence from The Princess And The Frog. He's not gay, we were interested to note. Just thought we'd put that in there. Actually, never mind.

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