Monday, June 22, 2009

Everything is ready to go. Any minute now

The Mini will have been delivered during the day while Baby’s at gym. So she’ll come home and find it in her parking space. She’ll probably mumble something under her breath, ngukul’ a bit and take the space next door.
When she gets to the flat, she’ll find the keys to the car hanging from an elastic band in the doorway. With a romantic note. Something like, “A Mini Cooper for a Mini Superstar!” Or something. It’ll be a second-hand Mini, but still. No more than two years old.
Then, with the goodwill earned from that magnanimous gesture, I will resign my job to begin research on my masterpiece novel. Baby will become the breadwinner. And your correspondent will commence three months of diligent carousing in the nudie bars of northern Johannesburg, for this will be a novel about carousing in nudie bars. The poetry and the depravity of it all.
At a Rivonia striptease restaurant, I will meet an Armenian arms dealer named Toros Mazmanian. We will strike up a friendship and soon after, I will become the PR manager for defence contractor Ilyusholev NPO, at that time supplying a Central African government.
When the African deal is done, I move to the Ilyusholev headquarters in Odessa, where I become privy to the most dangerous secrets in all the world. My first posting is to New York, where I handle the PR for the sale of a new range of ultra long-range antimatter attack bombs to North Korea and Iran.
For some reason, the sale is not popular among the world’s opinion-makers, and our strategy of celebrating the improvement of trade relations with Pyongyang fails epically.
With my retrenchment package, I am able to purchase a share in a transport company operating out of Santiago de Cali in western Colombia. The company has a subsidiary that makes nutritional supplements for top cycling teams.
I move to Cannes to handle the Tour de France race preparations of one of our sponsored riders. In Cannes I meet an estate agent named Charles Pascale, who’s in Cannes on a convention.
He needs someone to advise him on some Joburg property investments. I’m from Joburg, so I offer my services and we leave on the Wednesday.
I tell Charles that the best houses are all in Sandhurst, and in Cape Town you want to be staying in Clifton. For this intelligence I am paid R17 million. By this stage, Baby needs a new car, so I buy her a Koenigsegg CCX with Gucci seat fabric.
The novel will still not have come to fruition, but there’ll plenty of time for that.
My destiny is preordained, written in the stars. Baby’s new Mini waits in heaven’s great virtual showroom, alongside the Koenigsegg, the shipment of nutritional supplements and the PR briefing for the antimatter attack bomb sales.
All is ready to go. Everything will fall into place like tapwater down a plug hole.
As soon as the economy turns.

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