Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Marrying Black Girls For Guys Who Aren't Black

Are you a guy? And you’re not black? And you dig black girls?
            Not just to look at their asses from a distance, but actually to talk to them and ultimately try pomp them?

            And then actually pomp them and start going out in public together and stand in the queue at movies with them and all that? Go to braais and say, “This is my girlfriend Letsego?” or Lonwabo, or Sibu, or Kate because she grew up with a white family. Or whatever.
            If this sounds like you, and you follow things through to their natural conclusion, you may even end up marrying your babe, differently coloured as you might be.
            It happened to me, so I have prepared a list of tips.

Marrying Black Girls for Guys Who Aren’t Black:
           
Prepare to not follow the conversation
You’re not black, so don’t even try to be. Maybe you know some Xhosa, maybe you’ve had black friends all your life, maybe you been building RDP houses in Katlehong for the past ten years. But you’re not black. When you hang with her mates, you will spend a lot of time staring blankly into the middle distance, smiling vaguely, while people bellow at each other in vernac, laugh their arses off and generally have more fun than you. If you stick with it, you’ll get to meet her family, where the same scenario will play itself out times a hundred.

Prepare for the speeches
African culture is big on making speeches. Cultural ceremonies are basically extended talk shops where the okes – the men, mostly – get to showcase their thousand-year-old debating skills. African culture is basically a massive, continent-wide Toastmaster’s club. While everyone’s making speeches you don’t understand, nod politely, and only ask what was said afterwards. Sooner or later they’ll ask you to say something. Keep it concise, because you’re about to make a total cock of yourself.

Lobola: a minefield
It’s supposed to be a patriarchy, but in reality most black kids are raised by women. Lobola negotiations are supposed to be handled between the uncles of your two clans. A quick check will confirm that you have only three uncles, two of whom now live in Australia, and Oom Johan, currently on probation for assaulting his farm workers. On her side, there will be roughly 27 uncles, brothers, half-brothers, half-uncles, cousin-uncles and cousin-brothers. They will all insist they are the right person to conduct lobola negotiations with.

You are a racist: face it
You can marry six black babes in a row and you’ll still be a racist. We all are. Being a racist is part of being South African. Luckily, she’s one too. You okes are made for each other. Just admit it at every opportunity then wallow in your inbred racial prejudice and bigotry. Park in front of TV talking in ethnic accents, ripping off every race group in turn. Every now and then you’ll wade into a political debate with an unthought-through clanger of such ignorant racism you’ll shock yourself. Don’t stress about it. You can still marry her.

Embrace the B
Choice of music remains one of the most powerful cultural signifiers. So unless you’re dating earth’s only black female fan of Facing The Gallows, you’re going to be listening to a lot of R&B. There will be Beyonce, yes, but old-school stuff you didn’t know existed. Try Silk, Tamia, Johnny Gill, Shai and Tevin Campbell. And you will never get to like it. It will be a living hell every time you hear it. On one occasion you’ll drive the whole way from Sandton to Kempton listening to Forever My Lady by Jodeci. Oh, and your Bon Iver will not be tolerated. Trivium? Forget about it.

Black babe = gold digger
Ja I know. Not necessarily. But to your folks that’s all she is. So they’ll insist on a pre-nup to stop her stealing your family’s dynastic fortune. Even if her dad’s a company director, and your old man’s a caretaker at the Boknes caravan park. Life will suck at this point. And you’ll have a moment in the lawyer’s office where you’ll want to rip your face off. But on some deep, twisted level, there’s a certain pride in being a target of gold-digging. Misguided as that pride may be.

You get a new wife every month
Because black women do hair like nobody else does hair. Your babe will pop off to get her hair done at ten in the morning, and return, like, eleven hours later! When she left she’ll have looked like Keri Hilson, and she’ll come back looking like Diana Ross the time she dropped her toaster in the bath. It’s disturbing having your lady look completely different and you’ll be shocked when she first walks in the door. But don’t give the game away. Try not to gasp – she’s invested eleven hours in this, after all. Practise saying, “Wow! You look amazing.”

You’re going to have to defend your territory
When you go out with a white babe, guys seem to at least grant you the basic respect of waiting till you’re not around before they try to woo her away from you. Not so much with black ladies. You can be standing right next to her at the gym, and some dude will grab her by the arm and ask her where she’s from. Policemen will wolf whistle her while you’re walking right next to each other. Beggars at the robots will tell her she’s phakile. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to take someone by the throat and threaten to rip his fuckin’ eyes out. Think of it as a romantic gesture, defending your lady’s honour. You old smoothie, you.

Cultures clash
Have you ever bought something on lay-bye? How do you rate the taste of umleqwa compared to normal chicken? Do you want some of this delicious tripe? Aren’t you dying for some magwinya? Aren’t you broken that Oprah’s off air? Not? Well maybe you a white oke going out with a black babe. Or, to be honest, maybe you’re me. Let’s stop pretending these things are universal – these are just some examples of what I’ve experienced in my relationship. And to generalize is to engage in racist stereotyping, and we agreed we’re trying to cut down on racism. As if that’s possible.

I’m pretty happy indulging my personal case of jungle fever, and if you’re into something similar, I wish you the very best of polychromatic good luck. Maybe I’ll see you guys out some night. At a Kenny Lattimore concert or some shit like that…

LIKE THIS? TRY THESE!

Things I Learnt About White Guys By Marrying A Black Girl

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Buying Umbhaco For Baby 

White Boy Things

40 comments:

SamuAfri said...

Awesome read - as a black woman I can safely say that 80% of us relate!

Hagen Engler said...

As a white dude from PE, 80% is as good as I could possibly hope for!

mmabs said...

Fantastic read!!! I love it... on point!Wish we could all just lighten up like this and get on with just living and loving!

Sbuda69 said...

Super awesome read dude...as a black man am cracking myself up...Love the hair comment, gets me all the time, sometimes I feel like am cheating...lol
Sbuda69

Sbuda69 said...

Super awesome read dude...as a black man am cracking myself up...Love the hair comment, gets me all the time, sometimes I feel like am cheating...lol
Sbuda69

smdanda said...

About the hair....well we just love variety:-)...And I love how you have learnt to deal with this:-). I could not get the mental pictures out of my mind especially bout the Diana Ross hair(LOL) :-)

Anonymous said...

Excellent read...nice one.

Phuti Rapheeha said...

Awesome read, on point...

Clay said...

Classic stuff! Thanks for posting. Would be awesome to see a 'Marrying White Guys For Girls Who Aren't White' follow up from your wife.

Anonymous said...

Dude r u for real?????????????

Dr Lifesgud said...

Hahah
As a black guy, I digg it...gud blog, man you're living the life :-)

GingerGoi said...

Such truths! As a black female id say you hit the nail on the head. Although.... Id probably have to hire somebody to play my Uncle for the Lobola Negotiations, and I LOVE BOn Iver! listening to blindsided right now!And yes would be awesome to hear the tail from the other end.Love it!

Patrick Ndlovu said...

Brilliant reading! I'm now behind on my work that I desperately need to finish before lunch because of this great article!!! Keep them coming. Having gone out with predominantly white girls, it's awesome seeing the "other" perspective. Thanks bud and wishing you all the best for the future!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm a black woman so understand the hair thing. Been rocking my natural'fro for 4 years, no more hair dramas. Would like to hear your wife's perspective being married to a white guy though.

Mxolisi Ngonelo said...

This was a great read no doubt. We can all definitely learn from this; married and single. By the way, 'forever my lady' is probably one of the greatest songs by Jodeci, don't front.

KeNakoNow said...

Wonderful read on how being black is an amazing life. I laughed and smiled with PRIDE as you relayed your snap shot view of who we are :-):-) It definitely takes a person with a great sense of self to be in an inter-racial relationship. ENJOY IT!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Where would u even begin looking for a white mate. Some black girls find it hard as it seems white men only go for black women who don't quite embrace their blackness? Are white men afraid of us??

Vuyelwa Portia Xola said...

You are spot on and funny too,gosh, umleqwa and umgqusho (samp and beans) total heaven, I like the part about trying not to gasp, you are really a funny guy.

Vuyelwa

Anonymous said...

Wow! This is so true,and I love that it is not malicious, its written in good humor. Well done. I will keep coming back for some more of your writing.

Anonymous said...

Great article, love its honesty especially the admitting that we are all racist and it gives me an idea that at least in your relatioship with your wife, no one feels patronised

Hagen Engler said...

Clay, funny you should say that! This piece was originally commissioned by Mahala. And they've just asked me to interview my babe for a follow-up on exactly the topic you've suggested. Look out for it soonish!

Anonymous said...

Great read, indeed. I actually heard about your blog on Metro fm- Glen and Unathi. Never laughed so hard at reality, nxa stuff bhaba,.eita daar!

Gee! said...

Awesome read! As a black woman I would like to assure you I know Bon Iver is awesome as is Band of Horses, Newton Faulkner, Matt Nathanson, Keaton Simons, Nada Surf.... I could go on! Beyonce could sneak her way into a playlist though! I'm just saying!

Anonymous said...

this is hilarious , wish i could share it with the White non South African guys i date Outside South Africa. and they best appreciate that i hate R&B as a black woman. thanks for not mentioning what we put on our heads at night -

Anonymous said...

I know I am late with my response but as a black woman dating a white man I bow down to you for hitting the nail on the head!!!

Anonymous said...

I wanna hang out with this dude,I'll share my point of view of dating white girls as a black man :). A 5min radio show will be awesome.

Anonymous said...

As a black non south african woman, I 'll admit a lot of the foods you mentioned and bands are not familiar but your writing is so hilarious i laughed out loud anyway. The diana ross imagery was so right!

Queen B said...

Can I just say - as a black South African girl who grew up listening to Shai, Silk, Blackstreet (NOT Backstreet Boys) lol, I only learnt of Bon Iver this year, as the song was used in an ad I worked on!! #truth. Lovely piece. Timeless!!

prosperity said...

Lol. That was a great read man. Keep at it. Am loughing my head off reading this stuff. Now try some morogo and some mopani worms

kinzozo said...

Excellent!now if we all could live and let live, the world could be a better place.keep going man.

Anonymous said...

Dude you are great. I am not tied of reading it. Very, very awesome piece.

Billz said...

Thanks for a fab read, we are all waiting patiently for your wife's perspective on guys who arent black.

Anonymous said...

Hi Hagen I loved this article please write an article about Marrying White Guys for Girl Who Aren't White". We need preparation too lol

Anonymous said...

Hi Hagen I loved this article please write an article about Marrying White Guys for Girls Who Aren't White". We need preparation too lol

Sharon said...

This was really funny! And true! lol, the thing about getting a new wife was making me roll on the floor. And 11 hours is not an exaggeration, i would know. Thanks for writing this humorous, light and fun piece

Silibaziso Mkwananzi said...

Hagen, hagen, hagen, telling it like it is!! I luv it man!!

Erika said...

When do we gwt to read her side of the story? Can't wait.

Hagen Engler said...

As always, thank you guys so much for the feedback. Keep it coming. There is now a book in the works based on this article, and the piece is far and away the most popular on the blog. At the moment it has been viewed more than 10 000 times.

Irene von Buddenbrock said...

Wow could not stop laughing while reading this. I'm like 22 and married and my husband happens to be white, I'm sure he would so agree with you and your point not all but most of them. A very interesting read indeed.

Anonymous said...

hahahah,couldn't stop laughing...very enlightening hey...actually ive been around with white okes who are fluent in xhosa,eat amaG(gwinya) with us...lool @ blacks women hairdo's.