Thursday, October 21, 2010

Unwanted guest at the Snodgrass residence

Stef’s at work, doing an edit, when he gets this weird call from his girlfriend. It’s ten in the morning and she sounds scared.
            “There’s this strange guy in the house. He came in the security gate and he hung his bag on the tree and he’s in the house! He’s in the house! He’s making himself breakfast… We’ve locked ourselves in the bedroom. You gotta come help!”
            He immediately calls the guys in the office. “Come, okes. We gotta go down to Donna’s house. There’s some intruder there. Come, let’s go!”
            The guys are, like, “Ah, I’ve got lank work at the moment…” Talk about finding out who your friends are!
            Steph’s, like, “Okay, stuff you guys! I’ll go by myself.”
            He screams down to Bryanston in, like, two minutes. Gets there and the security gate’s open. And there’s this miff satchel hanging on the tree by the gate.
            He parks the car and comes in the garage, even though the front door is open. He looks for some kind of weapon and finds a empty All Gold bottle in the garage cupboard.
            By this stage he’s pumped. Tense like a coiled spring, as he comes down the steps between the garage and the kitchen. He can hear the sounds of someone eating in the dining room.
            He sticks his head around the door and, sure enough, there’s this guy having a chow at the dining-room table. Gif-looking white guy in a vest, with a tattoo of a shark on his face. Steph’s like, “What are you doing here? Who are you?”
            He comes in and stands on the other side of the dining room table. The guy stands up, and they start circling the table. Steph’s got his All Gold bottle and the oke’s still holding his knife and fork.
            He’s in a vest, baggies and slops and the shark on his face looks like somebody scanned it and then pulled it sideways on Photoshop without pressing Apple-shift. It’s all stretched out.
            By this time the mom and the girlfriend have come out of the bedroom and they’re peering over the balustrade into the dining room as Stefan and this oke are chasing each other around the table. “Go away!” Donna’s mom’s screaming. “Get out of our house! Leave us alone!”
Stef’s scheming, yuss. I’m gonna have to bottle this oke!
            Just then another car arrives. It’s Donna’s dad’s Mercedes. Kief! Reinforcements!
            The guys keep circling until Mr Snodgrass arrives. He walks in the dining room and goes, “Barney?”
            Barney’s, like, “Chris!” The okes know each other!
            Turns out Mr Snodgrass and Barney were at varsity together. They all did a bit of drugs, but Barney never got over it. He freaked out and stayed freaked out. Now he just drifts around the country looking up his old varsity mates and coming to make himself a chow.
            Stef’s still so pumped, though.
            “Dude!” he tunes Barney. “This isn’t normal! I almost sconned you with this bottle!”

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