Just because that 2012 thing was a bust, doesn't mean the world's not ending. Hagen Engler has seen the signs…
People, people! The world is definitely coming to an end. The end is surely nigh! Super-nigh! Just pay attention to what's really going on. And think about it! When everything we hold sacred and true is no longer valid, we can only be surer than ever of the impending apocalypse.
When there are no more givens, when the very foundation upon which our civilisation is built shifts, when popular culture, politics and society itself tilts upon its axis, all we can do is marvel at the weirdness of the latter days and kiss our respective asses goodbye.
Because it is, indeed, the end of the world. If you don't believe me, just meditate on the following indisputable evidence that everything we know is wrong and the planet is about to vanish up its own arsehole any minute...
Justin Bieber is hardcore
He's been seen smoking weed, photographs suggest he is developing what may be muscles and he was questioned by police after roughing up a photographer who saw fit to photograph him in public. At the time of the alleged assault, Bieber was wearing purple shoes, stripy socks and clown pants, which is worth photographing, you'll agree. Bad Bad-Ass Bieber was not having it. The beaten photographer is a beast of a man, who resembles former Springbok centre Japie Mulder after a braai and a rough weekend. But no, Bieber kicked his ass. The Apocalypse Authority also confirms that the universe will indeed end in the next fortnight because the singer of Boyfriend, Mistletoe and Eenie Meenie has more tattoos than the drummer for Metallica.
Idols is a bastion of political organisation
Making sure Khaya Mthethwa won last year's Idols captured the imagination of the country's middle classes far more effectively than any campaign any political party was able to mount. The voice of the people was heard, and Khaya was confirmed as the best interpreter of popular song for 2012. Elsewhere, the capitalists sipped Johnny Purple, made quadrillions per second in high-frequency trades and laughed like Dr Evil in Austin Powers.
There’s water on Mercury
Not Mars. Mercury! The planet right next to The Sun! A mere 50 million km away from the blazing furnace of fury at the centre of our solar system, pumping out two million degrees C of coruscating heat, there's a crater on the surface of Mercury filled with ice! Not even just water, ice! Like a little, functioning ice tray in the middle of brick kiln. The minute scientists discovered that, they fell over themselves explaining how the craters were on the cold side of Mercury and it in fact made perfect sense. Meanwhile we all know that actually, physics is failing us badly and the solar system itself is turning inside out.
The Ku Klux Klan are guardians of decency
You know there has been a shift in the ethical polarity of our society when those white supremacists and icons of lynchy race killings and bigoted idiocy the KKK start fighting to save our morals. Late last year, in an epic end-is-nigh scenario, delusional "God Hates Fags" Christian fundamentalists the Westboro Baptist Church announced plans to picket the funerals of children killed in the Newtown massacre. WBC allege that the US tolerance of homosexuals is responsible for that mass slaughter of toddlers. Indignant, KKK imperial wizard Dennis LaBonte announced plans to show up at the protest to stare down the WBC, thus doing what all of us wish we could do, and at the same time striking a blow for gays worldwide. This was the KKK defending contemporary ethics! Let's just end ourselves now, people.
Uselessness makes for better TV
And you can build a successful career on that! Vacuous self-obsession, narcissism and oblivious narrow-mindedness too. In the context of reality TV, this is riveting. To watch Kim Kardashian pronounce that Indian food is "disgusting" generates emotions of outrage you didn't even know you had! Which are the best Idols auditions? That's right, the worst ones! Miss Teen USA South Carolina, responsible for the timeless "Our education like such as South Africa and uh the Iraq, everywhere like such as..." generated 78 million YouTube views. A TED talk by fashion model Cameron Russell on the power of image and the role of race in perceptions of beauty has a mere 148 000. I'm going to go immolate myself after this to pre-empt the inevitable apocalypse.
There are UFOs in the sky, and no one cares!
Sightings of unidentified flying objects are being reported every day. They are being filmed and uploaded and verified by experts and governments and engineers and all manner of impartial specialists. Go look on YouTube. But it's old news. So there are aliens in space ships in the sky. No one cares. Meanwhile they could be abducting our pets, inserting probes into us while we sleep and programming us to eat each other. Anyone give a hoot? No, because the world is ending soon anyway and it's not gonna make any difference.
There aren't any more good guys
Wars are going down just as often as before, just these days it's unclear who is on the side of right and justice. Of course that's the point of a war, but in modern politics there's no understanding who the good guys are. The Nazis vs the Allies. Coalition vs Saddam I. Freedom Struggle I. Now that was good vs evil! Easy to follow. Today there are so many levels of cynical depravity and hidden agendas, there don't seem to be any goodies left. Between the imperialists, the capitalists and the fundamentalists it's impossible to choose sides when things kick off somewhere in the overseas. So clearly we're ALL evil, and deserve exactly what's coming to us.
And that, dear friends, is unavoidable flaming doom, as the physics crashes, the maths fails, aliens roger us in our sleep and moronic demon celebrities corrupt our very souls. Sorry to be the bringer of bad news, but there you go. It’s all over. See you down the pub.