Friday, April 6, 2012

History's Greatest Man Perms

Phil Spector

Psycho music producer turned gun-wielding murderer. Apparently his records were good, but no one can actually point one out to you, and he famously cocked up the last Beatles album. A cautionary tale of what happens when you don't have enough people around telling you what a cock you are. And that your hair looks like metre-wide dandelion. Currently serving 19 years in jail for murder and perm crimes.

Snoop Dogg

An exemplary management of marijuana psychosis, always entertaining to watch, even if the hits have been rare. We can name Gin & Juice and Drop It Like It's Hot. Snoop's role as pimp daddy to the planet does authorise him to appear in public looking like this whenever he deems necessary.

Brian May

Guitar god of glory and awesomeness. Plays guitar with a coin. Founder and latter day torch-bearer of rock generals Queen. Commander of the Order of the British Empire. Holder of astrophysics degree. Perm icon of irredeemable impressiveness. Exemplifies one of the key tenets of perm wearing, which is that the perm should be worn without irony. Brian May is not making a tongue-in-cheek comment on his own ridiculousness. He is serious.

Rick James

This man helped perfect the twin arts of funk and perm-rocking. Also earns special mention for crack-smoking, where he makes international Top 5 of all time. Explored the outer limits of cocaine use, which apparently involves kidnapping people and torturing them. Personal theme song is funk anthem Super Freak, the authenticity of which is ensured by his lustrous perm as much as by aforementioned crack smoking and indiscriminate sex-having.

Rene Higuita

Perm icon and inventor of the Scorpion Kick! How can so much talent fit into one body! We know not. All we can do is stand back and marvel at the glory of El Loco, The Madman!

James Brown

Of course the best way to ensure your presence in any perm-crimes listing is to commit a crime while wearing a perm. Here we must mention Hardest Working Man In Show Business James Brown. Arrested here for domestic violence, one feels the alternate charge could have been "looking horrific in general". There is a certain swagger to being arrested in one's dressing gown, though.

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